Indebted: Part Three (Series Finale): The Virgin & The Bad-Boy Billionaire (A BWWM Billionaire Romance) Page 2

  When will this stop hurting so much? I should be happy right now. Everything is working out for me right now. Got all my ducks in a row, as Mama would say. Yet, I've never felt more lost, more off track. I stare at my phone lying like a black mirror on my desk. I could call him. Or at least text him. Maybe Brianna is right about me; maybe I do always search for the bad in people. I guess if you search long and hard enough, it’ll turn up in everyone.

  No. This isn't about me making up some excuse in my mind. This isn't some commitment phobia. Matthew only showed up at the diner that day because he had a conscience to clear. A score to settle. I was just a girl he pitied. Another one of his charity events.

  There's no point in lying here anymore, there’s no way I'm going to get any sleep now. I've already spent too many nights restlessly watching the shadows dance across my ceiling as I waited for my eyelids to bless me with sleep. I know from experience that lying here just leads to frustration. I pad across my small bedroom floor and pick up my phone. It displays the time in a neon green shade that feels like thumbs being pushed into my eyeballs. 4:17 am. Fuck, why does it have to be so early? I don't even have my usual distraction of school work to rely on now that I've finished finals.

  In a few days, I'll be walking across the stage with my educational peers at Columbia and grasping the key to my future in my hot little hand. My masters degree. That will be a day to celebrate. Today, however, is a day of mourning. My brothers and I are going to the grave to pay our respects to our parents like we do every year on the anniversary of Mama’s death. We bring flowers and wreaths for both of them since they're lying side by side, just like they do up in heaven now that they’ve been reunited.

  This year we're going to Reginal's house for the big supper we have afterward. So far, I haven’t hosted any of the dinners yet. It would be too awkward to try to have a nice home cooked meal here in my tiny apartment with Janelle hovering around the periphery. Of my three older brothers, Reginal is the eldest. I’m looking forward to seeing his four-year-old twins again, even though they’re a handful, they’re a lot of fun. The thing I think I’m the most excited about is eating Paula’s amazing cooking again. Paula is the best cook out of all my brother's wives. My stomach grumbles just thinking about the spread she put together a few years back with slow roasted ham and scalloped potatoes smothered in cheese and croutons.

  Issaiah and his wife, Winnie, are picking me up at nine so we can get out to the Rosedale Cemetery in Jersey by eleven. Every year, my brothers and I individually talk to our parents while the others catch up in the park beside the graveyard. I find it cathartic to catch my parents up on what I've been doing. Just talking it out with them out loud helps put my life in perspective. I know they're watching me from above, so I’m not filling them in on anything they don't already know, but somehow it helps to talk through it.

  4:36 am. Stupid phone! Only four hours and twenty minutes left until Winnie and Issaiah get here. Clearly the time is just gonna fly by. Like a slug inching over a path of glass. I guess I’ll get ready now, there’s no use in just sitting here thinking about Matthew anymore. Anything has to be better than that.

  Chapter Two

  "There she is! How's my baby sis doing these days?" Issaiah folds his stout arms around me in a slightly sweaty bear hug.

  "I'm doing well, let me see that little one!" I push him back, so I can take a closer look at my precious niece. Marie is sleeping blissfully in Winnie's protective arms. "Oh, she’s gorgeous! Looking more like her mother everyday."

  "Lucky for her," Issaiah teases.

  "Winnie, how've you been holding up? Are newborns as difficult as everyone says?" It's hard to imagine they could be anything less than a miracle when I look down on Marie's peaceful face. Snuggled up against the heat of her mama, she's blissfully unaware of anything going on around her in the world. I silently pray that she remains ignorant of anything outside her perfect bubble for as long as possible.

  Winnie's eyes light up, "you know, Kendra, there's just nothing in this world like it,” she gushes. “She makes everyday a blessing," she leans in and gives her little girl a soft kiss on the forehead.

  "Now that you're graduating college, maybe you'll settle down and start a family?" My brother isn't known for his subtlety. He's a bit old fashioned in his thinking and has always questioned me on why I've bothered with all my education instead of just finding a husband. When I was working toward my undergraduate degree, he always acted like it was more of an extremely expensive match finder than a chance to better myself. Then, when I went on to pursue this degree, he was the only one in the family who seemed disappointed by my decision. I know he doesn't mean anything by it though, he just wants to see me happy.

  "Yeah, I'll get right on that,” I shake my head smiling at his persistent cries for me to find a husband. “I’ll see if I can squeeze it in between starting my new job and finding a new apartment," I shoot back.

  "There's no rush, honey.” Winnie gently scolds my brother. “Kendra is going to do things on her own time. And as far as I can tell, she's doing just fine on her own." She smiles at me, and I can't help but notice how her skin glows. People always talk about how women radiate when they're pregnant, but nothing compares to the aura that surrounds Winnie as a new mother.

  "Alright, well, we don't have time for dilly-dallying if we're ever going to get out to Jersey on time. Let's get this show on the road," he claps his hands to emphasize that he means business and Winnie and I both glance at Marie. Issaiah hasn't changed one bit since I was a kid; he’s still taking charge and barking orders. He's lucky that he's got such a big heart or else someone would have slapped him by now.

  You wouldn’t think someone so small could take so much effort to be buckled into a car. After close to twenty minutes of Winnie adjusting Marie’s buckles, fidgeting with her blanket, and going over where all the contents of her over sized baby bag are, we finally head out. With Issaiah and his wife in the front together, I'm sharing the backseat with my niece. She's mesmerizing. Her little fingers are clutched into tight little balls as she lazily sucks on her pacifier. Her eyes flutter open and for a moment I worry that she’s going to freak out since she isn’t familiar with me yet. However, less than a minute later she has drifted back off into a tranquil slumber.

  Watching Marie reminds me of how I had finally allowed myself to start thinking about settling down, just like my brother wants. I thought I had met my future husband and the future father of my children. In my dreams, I had already even begun to imagine us in the distant future as one of those adorable elderly couples who shuffle through the park, arm-in-arm. My heart squeezes so tight that I can't breathe. I need to get him out of my mind, to move on. I told Brianna yesterday that not everything in life is about Matthew Blackwell, so now I need to start living those words.

  I stare out the window, allowing my thoughts to scatter as I watch the buildings bleed together into a river of metal and glass. Focusing on the spaces growing between the buildings as we make our way out of the city, I try to focus on today. Not two weeks ago, not two years from now. Just this moment, right now. Today.

  Blake comes back to the park with puffy eyes, and his head hung low in an attempt to hide them. Of all my brothers, he’s the most sensitive and he always takes it hard when we come out here to pay our respects. His wife, Tania, rushes to his side. Well, waddles is more accurate. It’s as fast as a woman eight months into her pregnancy can rush. She tries to hug him around her basketball belly, and the lines in his face iron flat as he finds serenity in her embrace. It’s my turn to have my time alone to talk to mama and dad. All the kids are starting to get restless. With Reginal’s four-year-old twins, Bailey and Jonah running around and the baby starting to fuss, I don’t waste any time making my way to the plot for fear of us being asked to leave.

  Laying my wreath at the headstone, I kneel in prayer before standing at the foot of the grave. Peace slows my heart rate and calms my breathing as I look at the matching
headstones that mark my parent's graves. Each side is half of an ivory colored heart, made whole again in their untimely deaths. It eases the pain to know that they're back in each others arms again, surely comforted by the love they both missed.

  "Mama, Dad,” I look at the headstone when I talk to them. “I miss you both. So much.” My chin trembles and I take a deep breath to steady my emotions. “This is a big time in my life. It's exciting and confusing and, of course, I just wish I could see you again so you could help me through it all.”

  A hunched over white man lumbers up the aisle past me. He’s walking with a cane in one hand and carrying a small bouquet of carnations in the other. My eyes follow him to the grave he seeks, before returning to my parents. “The thing is, I'm gonna graduate in a few days, and I already have a job lined up in my field. It’s an entry level contract position, but it's still promising. I feel like I can work my way up there, if I keep trying hard. But, the thing is, I don't know how much more steam I have left. I've been pushing so hard to get through school and to pay my bills. I feel like I’ve just been pushing myself for so long to do everything the best way I can, and I'm just worn out." As I admit it, I feel a wave of exhaustion wash over me and my shoulders slump as if by admitting it, the fatigue is claiming it’s victory in my bones.

  I wait, not sure that I want to share the next part. I know that they’re already aware of what’s been going on, so I take a deep breath, "I met a man. I wasn't sure how I felt about him at first, but now I know I loved him.” The last part comes out in a whisper. It’s too painful to say it any louder. The truth is, I don’t want to be saying it at all. “I was starting to see my future with him, and for the first time since you left us, Mama, I felt calm inside. It was like, when I was with him I didn't worry about every little detail of my life, I just enjoyed it for once. I miss that. But I lost that. And now I'm just not sure if I did the right thing or not." I feel the tears welling up, I gulp in an effort to swallow my sadness, but it keeps bubbling back up.

  "Anyway, I don't want you to worry about me down here, ok?” I wrap my arms around myself in a hug I wish I could feel from them. “I know this is just a rough patch and I know I’m gonna make it through. I've got your spirit mama, and if I ever knew a fighter, it was you.” I smile through my tears as her face flashes across my eyes. “I just hope that I've made you proud." Tears spill down my face, I try to wipe them off with the back of my hand, but they just won't stop pouring out of me. "I love you both." The words squeak out of my tight throat, and I take a couple seconds to breathe before heading back to my family. Unlike Blake, I don't have anyone waiting at the park to comfort me and soothe away my sadness.

  By the time I get return to the cranky kids and the tired parents in the park, I've gotten myself under control. I feel like I'm walking taller and breathing cleaner air after talking with my parents. Something about sharing my life with them like that always help to ease my burdens.

  "Are you ok, hon?" Winnie's soft eyes search my face.

  "I will be."

  "I know you will, Kendra. Just don't forget that you can lean on us if you ever need more from your family then the occasional supper, ok?"

  I nod, touched by her kindness.

  "You've outdone yourself, Paula! This spread is delicious," Reginal compliments his wife with a burger stuffed in his cheek like a bloated chipmunk.

  "Reg, how are we supposed to teach the kids not to talk with their mouth full if you keep doing it?" She chides him gently.

  He's right, the backyard BBQ that Paula has set up is just the thing to cheer all of us up. With the twins jumping around like a couple of cats with plastic bags snagged on their feet and the baby sleeping, there's nothing to do but enjoy the sun and the food. We've been swapping stories about Mama and Dad like we do every year. It's our way of keeping them alive in our hearts.

  "Do you remember when you swore in church, Kendra?" Blake laughs, shaking his head at the memory. I don't remember it, but I've heard the story before. It's not going to stop me from enjoying it again though.

  "No, I think I blocked it out," I laugh.

  "What happened?" Tania asks her husband, even though I'm sure she's heard it a hundred times by now too.

  "Well, Kendra couldn't have been much older than Jonah and Bailey, I'd say." He smiles.

  "Wait, are you telling the church story?" Issaiah calls from across the lawn, making his way back to the table so he can listen.

  "Yep." Blake continues, "anyway, like I said you were about the same age as the boys there," he nods toward the twins. "Dad nicked himself shaving and got blood on his shirt that morning, it was only a couple of drops, mind you. Nothing serious. But they landed right on the front where everyone would see it. We were already in a rush and running behind. Since someone here had to make himself pretty for a certain young girl named Violet that he had a crush on," he sticks his thumb out toward Issaiah, ratting him out.

  "Oh, is that so?" Winnie smiles, "I had no idea I married such a ladies man."

  “It can’t be that surprising, I managed to win you over,” Issaiah’s eyes glint as he wraps his arm around his wife’s shoulders.

  "See? A real Romeo, this one,” Blake laughs. “So, Dad mumbles 'fuck' under his breath. Mama hated that he swore around us, but he always tried to tell her that we couldn't even hear him. Like kids can't understand you if you whisper or something.” Laughter ripples around the table.

  “Sounds awfully familiar, doesn’t it?” Paula pokes at my brother. Apparently he inherited my father’s sailor tongue because even today he’s dropped the f-bomb twice in front of his kids.

  “Anyway, we all get settled in church and the pastor is preaching, the choir is singing, we're having a great service. Our pastor, you remember George don't ya?" We nod back at Blake, it would be hard to forget since he's Brianna's father, not that I knew who she was at the time. "He always got so passionate with his sermons. I mean, he was slamming his hands and bopping around all over the place. Well, he managed to knock the Bible off his pulpit and he went to catch it, but instead he just managed to fall flat on his face right up on the stage, in front of everyone. His papers were falling down everywhere, and the whole room was silent."

  I giggle, knowing what's coming. "Then this one just yells out 'FUCK' at the top of her lungs. I mean, the little old ladies making tea out in the lobby probably even heard her. Our folks were horrified. The room just broke out into laughter, I’ve never heard people laugh so loud. Even Pastor George was chuckling at it. I thought Dad wasn't going to make it home in one piece by the time Mama was done with him." We laugh.

  “Well, I should get a start on these dishes,” Paula stands up from the table and begins clearing the empty plates. I pop up from my seat, ready to lend a hand, but she pulls the cups I’m collecting from my hand. "Now you just sit back down and enjoy your time with your brothers, Kendra. It's not often that you all get the chance to get together. Tania, you stay put too. I remember how exhausting it is to be in your shoes,” Tania smiles wearily and rubs her hand over her baby belly.

  “I’ll help you out,” Winnie offers, picking up where I left off. We all sit at the table awkwardly watching Paula and Winnie clear away the supper dishes. I feel like a bad guest to just be watching them clean up after they served me such a nice meal. This silence doesn’t lift when they disappear into the house with armfuls of dirty plates and cutlery. Everyone seems to be lost in thought, everyone except for Tania. She looks like she may soon fall asleep.

  I debate my question back and forth in my mind. Part of me wants to just close the book on Matthew and move on, but a larger part, a stronger part, wants answers. "Guys,” my brothers abandon their inner monologues and turn their attention to me. “I was just wondering, uh, do you know anything about the guy that hit Dad in the accident?" I try to ask casually, but my mouth dries up, and my forehead has telltale beads of sweat forming on my brow as I wait to find out what happened.

  “Yeah, I know a little bit about
it.” Reginal looks at me out of the corner of his eye, “why are you asking about this now? You’ve never wanted to know about the accident before.”

  I shrug off the silent stares of my brothers, “I guess I’m an adult now and feel like it’s time for me to know a bit more.”

  “I don’t know much about it either, to be honest,” Blake pipes in, sitting up a little straighter in his seat. Regional stares at the beads sliding down his beer and his eyes cloud over.

  “You two were pretty young when he passed away. It was important to Mama to keep the details to a minimum.” Reginal starts picking the label off his beer bottle as he disappears into a different time. A time when our family had a simpler, happier life. As the oldest, he has the most vivid memories of our father. Of all the children, I think he was actually affected the most by his death at the time. As he said, Blake and I were too young to fully grasp what was going on and Issaiah put up a tough facade, never letting anyone know how he was dealing with the loss.